Experience has shown me how forgiveness follows a similar process as grief. When we think about it is not the need to forgive activated through the loss of something whether it be a dream, safety, trust in another human being, or a belief about how the world works.
The grief process as outlined by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Originally it was thought that these were linear steps. Theorists and clinicians now believe grief is not linear and it may never be “complete”, but we learn how to move forward differently.
The five experiences of grief can be applied to forgiveness as we let go of what was to develop a new relationship with what is. Below is an explanation of each of the stages and how this may look in forgiveness.
Denial: Is where we refuse to believe that a loss has occurred and can lead to acting as such. When talking about forgiveness denial may look like someone altering their reality by refusing to see an event as harmful to themselves or trying to explain away someone’s behaviors.
Anger: Is an emotion that mobilizes us to act in a way to take care of ourselves by providing us with energy. In forgiveness, anger can be seen when we try to protect ourselves by hardening our hearts and making aggressive statements about ourselves or the other person.
Bargaining: Is where we try to make a deal with reality or a Higher Power/God/Universe by offering a trade. When talking about forgiveness one may say something like “I do not need to forgive because it does not impact me to not forgive.”
Depression: Is when someone is aware of the loss but is so overwhelmed by it that it is hard to see a way forward that includes happiness. Exhaustion sets in. When talking about forgiveness depression may look like self-doubt in our ability to be the person we would like to be as seen by saying things like “if I were a good person I could forgive easily” or “I can never move past this event because…”
Acceptance: Is placing the loss in its rightful place so we can live a life of value by moving forward purposefully. This can include sadness, but it is not to such a degree that we are not able to function. When talking about forgiveness acceptance is where we develop a new relationship with the event and/or person. We take from it the lessons but are no longer held back. I tell my clients this all the time… accepting something does not mean you agree with it or condone it but that you are ready to move forward claiming the plot of happiness and peace that is yours.